Evergreen
by nothing-chan
Summary: The first time Kanaya Maryam ever saw her was when she was shelving books. The first thing she ever noticed about her was that she was much too thin.


**Warning: this story involves eating disorders. If you are triggered by them, please leave!**

* * *

The first time Kanaya Maryam ever saw her was when she was shelving books. The first thing she ever noticed about her was that she was much too thin.

Kanaya pulled a book out slowly from its spot, pretending it was incorrectly shelved and needed to be replaced post haste. Her winged eyes darted over to the table bathed in afternoon sunlight, watching as the blonde's skeleton fingers turned a page in her thick book delicately. She was wearing a turtleneck sweater, black and nicely stitched, as well as a floor-length velvet skirt, almost covering the boney ankles that peeked out from underneath the fabric. Before she could stop her rude predatory gazing, the girl was standing up, floating toward her.

"Excuse me, but would you mind shelving this for me?" Her voice was thick like her clothes as she extended out a twig with a heavy Sigmund Freud book perched at the end.

Kanaya watched her cheekbones move and the heavy sagging of her eyelids, her chest ripping apart inside. The girl was getting tired, her arm sagging under the weight of pages, doing her best not to let it show on her face.

"Of course," Kanaya said after a moment, relieving the girl of her daunting task. The pale creature's black lips quirked up in thanks but she did not leave, even as the troll girl turned and began to push the cart away. She knew what Kanaya was going to say.

"Would you like to get coffee? I have a break in five minutes," Kanaya did not even look at her, sweating through her palms as she held the cold metal.

"I'll be waiting."

* * *

The café in the library wasn't anything special and Kanaya had never liked taking her breaks there, but she liked sitting across from this skinny girl and watch her sip her skinny vanilla latte.

Skinny girl's name was Rose, Rose Lalonde. She was from upstate New York and was in the city for college purposes. She liked psychology and cats and leaving black lipstick stains on white cardboard cups.

Kanaya's break ended in 3 minutes and she was watching the clock's hands carefully like a good vampire film. The big hand slid to the five and she stood up, not realizing she had interrupted Rose's sentence about the effects of weather on someone's mental health.

"I have to get back…" Kanaya muttered, black lips stumbling to even apologize for being such a fuckup. She had barely said anything during their rendezvous, merely munching her sandwich nervously and watching her pale companions pupils fluctuate. But Rose just smiled in an understanding way, her skin pulled tight across her face.

"I'll be here tomorrow." Kanaya's face flushed bright green.

She had scored a second date.

* * *

Everyday her and Rose got lunch. It was more along the lines of Kanaya getting lunch and Rose watching her eat it, sipping her latte methodically. Some days Rose said more, some days Kanaya did, it all depended on how the blonde was feeling.

One day Kanaya felt rude so she offered half of her turkey breast, which turned out to be a very bad idea.

She kept a calm face, but Kanaya saw her mouth twitch down and her vine fingers clench the cup in her hand. "I'm not hungry."

The troll did not know what she did to garnish such a reaction from the girl, but she watched with a bright green face as Rose stood up, attempting to pull her heavy black coat over her cold body.

"I have to-" She began to say but froze, her body slumping. A twig reached out and slammed against the table, shaking violently as white knuckles popped out of her skin. Rose was swaying on her feet, violet eyes watching a land very far away.

"Rose!" Kanaya jumped up, grabbing her free arm, but jumping back in fear that she might break the soft creature shaking beneath.

"I… I'm sorry, a dizzy spell…" It took her a while but she pulled her shoulders back, heels clicking as she walked out.

She didn't come to the library for a week after that.

* * *

The next time Kanaya saw her she had dark rings under her eyes and was wearing a big sweater she had knitted herself. Rose was sitting at the afternoon sunlight table again, curling her fingers and uncurling her fingers and curling her fingers and uncurling her fingers.

Kanaya didn't know if she should approach her. It was obvious Rose was deep in thought, probably about how much she despised the jade blooded alien, probably thankful she hadn't seen the girl in a whole 8 days.

But who was really counting.

Rose was perceptive, and she felt the girl's stare. Her hands stopped and she looked over, a small smile stretched across her dead face. Everything was better.

Apparently she had been visiting her mother in New York for a week which explained her long absence.

"I'm sorry I didn't let you know, it happened unexpectedly, a bit of a family emergency." Kanaya nodded, happy to accept that answer in her clouded brain. Rose's eyes darted down to Kanaya's hand, eyeing the iced mocha sitting between them, a thin eyebrow arched.

"No lunch today?" She asked in a flat town and Kanaya swallowed quietly.

"Not hungry."

A lie, she was going to go home and eat half of her kitchen after this. She was dying, her stomach curdling and screaming inside her.

She was just afraid to eat. She was afraid to do anything around the willowy girl now. Kanaya would have given anything to take back what she did to make her so upset at their last lunch date, but by the way Rose was acting it was almost as if it hadn't happened. Rose smiled and dumped the contents of her coffee cup into her black mouth.

"Yeah, me neither."

* * *

"Would you like to come to my apartment for a party this Saturday?" The fashionable troll looked over in surprise, meeting a pair of violet eyes.

"I, uh, of course," Kanaya placed Abraham Lincoln's biography back on the top shelf and tried to hide the flush starting on her neck.

"Bring your favorite booze or dish or whatever; it'll be small so no need to dress up fancy," Kanaya nodded, flashing her fanged teeth at the girl in a wide smile, feeling her chest hurt when Rose smiled back.

* * *

Rose lived in a nice apartment building on the East side of town, a small Christmas wreath hanging on her door in Christmas spirit. Kanaya rocked on her heels, not sure if she should knock or enter without asking, but decided to bang her knuckles hard against the door anyway.

The door opened slowly and a boy wearing sunglasses answered, checking Kanaya up and down from behind his shades.

"You Rose's library lady?" He questioned, his voice twanging and Kanaya stuttered slightly. _Library lady?_

"I-I suppose you could say that, we met at a library yes." He watched her for a few more minutes with a straight face before nodding in acceptance.

"Cool," He left the door open and sauntered away, leaving Kanaya to let herself in. The troll carefully shut the door after her, watching her surroundings carefully, looking for that one head of soft blonde hair.

There were only a few people here so she found her rather quickly.

Kanaya recognized the dress, it was from a boutique downtown, a nice mauve sack draped over her shriveled body. The bones peeked out from behind her neck like shark's fins as she turned and slowly made her way over to the door.

"I'm glad you could make it," Rose was sincere as she took the dead weight bottle of wine out of Kanaya's hands, trying not to let the strain show on her face.

"Your apartment is very nice, I like the antiques." Kanaya pointed at an old map spread across the wall. Rose tilted her head back and laughed, tinkling, robust, empty.

"Let me introduce you to my friends."

Rose was fairly popular, with an array of worldy friends. There was her half-brother, the one who had answered the door, a girl from some pacific island who loved the color of Kanaya's eyes, a boy who thought pulling a coin out from behind somebody's ear was a very good prank, and a number of other people whose names and faces the tall girl could care less about. All she really cared about was the flower seated next to her.

"So what do you want for Christmas this year?" Kanaya asked brokenly as she swirled her glass of deep red wine. Rose smiled into her martini and shrugged, shoulder blades slicing the air.

"Whatever Santa brings me I guess." They both laughed quietly, making Kanaya's stomach stab with emotion. It was quiet and Kanaya considered saying something unimportant and stupid but Rose beat her to it.

"My mom wants me to come home for Christmas…" Kanaya looked over at the girl and waited as she stared into her glass. Rose swallowed tightly and tipped the rest of the drink into her perfectly shaped mouth, pretending she never said a word.

* * *

"I had a loooot of fun Kan…" Rose said hotly, shaking against the doorframe, struggling to stay standing. It appeared as though she drowned herself in alcohol, her stomach sloshing with martinis.

"Thank you for inviting me," Kanaya smiled, her vision only a little hazy as salty lips pressed against hers.

Kanaya figured she would go to church tomorrow and thank God for alcohol and mistletoe.

* * *

After the holiday's everything returned to normal. In fact, you could say better than normal, in Kanaya's opinion. The two girls resumed their lunch dates of coffee and lipstick, sometimes bumping perfectly manicured feet underneath the small table. Rose didn't look tired anymore and she didn't slouch when she read so much.

Until she stopped showing up.

Kanaya figured for the first week it had been another family emergency, then the second she guessed maybe someone had had a baby, then the third she deluded herself into thinking Rose had been in a car crash, not until when a whole month had finally passed did she try to do something about it.

* * *

It was cold and the wreath was not hanging on Rose's door anymore. It was off-white and dirty, and Kanaya didn't want to touch it, but she did. Her knuckles hurt and her feelings hurt and she just wanted to see this boney human she had attached herself to so much.

The half-brother answered the door instead of Rose and Kanaya felt angry as he watched her stand in the cold.

"Rose isn't feeling too hot, come back later." He drawled and twitched in surprise when Kanaya slammed her boot through the door.

"Let me see her."

He was still, completely still until he dropped his hand to his side, deflated. "She's not here."

"Where is she?"

"Evergreen."

* * *

Evergreen was a yellow building 20 miles away near the outskirts of the city's suburbs. It looked like a pretty house with a pretty garden and pretty little girls playing in the yard. Only when you got closer you noticed the paint was peeling and there were cameras everywhere and those little girls were old women with stunted body's and failing bones.

It was one of the top ranked Eating Disorder clinics on the East Coast and the minute Kanaya saw it she wanted to burn it to the ground.

"Visiting hours don't start for another hour, after therapy ends. You're welcome to go check out the town if you like." The pretty troll secretary with nice hair and sharp teeth said from behind the glass and Kanaya touched her collarbone to stay awake.

"No thank you, I'll just wait here," The pretty perfect secretary didn't object and went back to reading a magazine on how to get toned abs in 2 days flat.

The seat made Kanaya's butt hurt and she didn't like watching the people walk by. They looked at her, watching how her thighs touched and how her skin pinched over the edge of her jeans and ran away, skeleton feet skittering across the floor in disgust. She was the reason they would hide their food tonight and shove their fingers down their throats when they thought no one was looking.

She didn't like being here; she didn't like thinking that maybe Rose looked at her that same way. She didn't like to think about Rose watching her eat at lunch with judging lined eyes, her lips curled and her bones sticking out so far they could cut glass and rip the earth's crust open if they wanted to.

"Kanaya Maryam?" A middle-aged woman in flowered scrubs called and Kanaya tried not to throw up as she wobbled over to her. "Rose just finished with her therapy for the day; I'll take you back to her room." The troll nodded, chewing on her lip as an old woman with the body of a 9 year old girl hobbled by and judged her.

Rose's room was pink and fluorescent and smelled like bleach and goulash. She was sitting on her bed, curling her fingers in a familiar way, watching her toes wiggle beneath her anti-slip hospital socks. The tree branch girl looked over when Kanaya walked in and her face was hollow.

"Kanaya?" She whispered as the nurse shut the door, her voice falling on the last syllable.

"You didn't show up for a while… I got worried," Kanaya tried to calm her jittery hands but they flittered around in her coat pockets. No one said anything, not even the ghosts in the walls and a toilet flushed next door.

"Dave told me you were here," Kanaya continued finally, walking over to sit far, far away from her on the bed. "I thought I should come visit and see…"

"See if I gained weight?" Her voice was a razor and Kanaya flinched.

"No, to see if you were okay," They both watched the ground, and Rose's twisted hand clenched the sheets.

She was crying, her voice sounding pained as she shuttered. It hurt for her to breath. She was a poorly stitched doll whose seams fell apart every time she moved, her ribs and heart crashing to the floor as she leaned into Kanaya's arms.

Kanaya didn't say anything while Rose did, her pale lips moving at rapid speed. It was her mother's fault, she had stuffed her with cakes and cookies her whole childhood, made her hate her body so much she stopped eating. The week when she said she had been visiting her mom she had actually been in the hospital. She had passed out walking up a flight of stairs.

Rose checked herself into this place. She was a psychology student, she knew she had a problem, and she wanted it all to stop.

"After you stopped eating lunch when we were together I knew I had to stop, I couldn't do that to you," Kanaya blinked in surprise, pushing her nose into Rose's strawberry scented hair.

"Why me?"

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know…" Rose muttered until she fell into a soft sob, breaking apart in Kanaya's arms. It was the first time Rose admitted she didn't know anything, and she didn't know what to do.

So it was Kanaya's turn to do something, freeing one hand to pull out a bag from her floppy purse. Rose pulled back and sniffled, her perfect sloped nose red and runny.

"What's that?" She asked as the motherly troll unwrapped a sticky pastry.

"It's a cinnamon roll from the café," Rose watched it as if it were there to kill her, drown her in calories, carbs, sugars, fats, fat, fat, fat. "Let's split it." Violet eyes met green and Rose didn't feel like vomiting anymore. She didn't feel bad anymore.

Her eyes never left Kanaya's as she reached out, broke off a piece of the food, and put it in her mouth.

* * *

**Hi wow first time I've been active on here in a while woooopsies. This isn't too great but I scratched it down when I was going through an ana relapse and it helped me a lot so I hope you enjoyed!**


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